Resources & Information

Intimacy after Infidelity

Drs. Solomon and Teagno’s first book, ""Intimacy after Infidelity" was just published in November, 2006. The authors are locally recognized clinical psychologists who specialize in helping couples enrich their relationships. The book has been featured on local and national television and the authors have been interviewed on many radio stations across the United States and Canada. Their book will be reviewed in “San Diego Magazine” in March, 2007. The National Library Review which only reads and reviews less than 10% of all newly published books, read and gave its highest endorsement and recommendation to “Intimacy after Infidelity” citing the book’s specific and general value to couples struggling with infidelity and desiring to build a rock solid relationship. The book is available from Amazon.com.

Provided below is a list of reference materials with links to PDF files for:

• Individuals & Couples
• Therapists
• Articles
• Infidelity and Relationship Resource Books
• Useful Resource Links
   

Resources for Individuals & Couples

• Our Orientation

“Key Concepts for Change in Couples Therapy”
“It’s Not About Me”
“The Three Dealbreakers”
“The Three Intimacies”
“A Checklist of Relationship Health”

• Infidelity Information

“Rebuilding Trust and Rekindling Your Relationship”
“Betrayal and Trust Building Behaviors”

• Relationship Information

“Red Flags in Relationships”
“Unacceptable Partner Behaviors / Ways to Increase
 Relationship Maturity”
“Responding versus Reacting to Your Partner”

• Skill Building Exercises

“Emotional Self Awareness (ESA) Exercise”
“Intimacy through Tension Exercise”
“I-to-I Maturity Goals”
“Responding versus Reacting to Your Partner”

Resources for Therapists

• TRI Orientation

“Key Concepts for Change in Couples Therapy”
“LTLR Developmental Therapy: Overview & Goals”
“It’s Not About Me”
“The Three Dealbreakers”
“The Three Intimacies”
“The Therapists Handout Checklist”

• Skill Building Exercises for Clients

“Emotional Self Awareness (ESA)”: builds Self Intimacy
“Intimacy through Tension Exercise”: builds Conflict Intimacy
“I-to-I Maturity Goals”: continues to strengthen Conflict Intimacy
“Responding versus Reacting to Your Partner”

• Infidelity Information

“Rebuilding Trust and Rekindling Your Relationship”
“Betrayal and Trust Building Behaviors”
“The Three Types of Infidelity”

• General Relationship Education

“Red Flags in Relationships”
“Destructive and Growth Producing Behaviors”
“Responding versus Reacting to Your Partner”

• Client Homework Handouts

“Emotional Self Awareness (ESA) Exercise”
“My Vision for My Relationship”
“How to Avoid Differentiation”
“A Checklist for Relationship Health”
“Betrayal and Trust Building Behaviors”

• Therapy Session Handouts

1. Prior to initial intake session: 

“Couples Intake Questionnaire”

2. After initial intake session: 

“Key Concepts for Change in Couples Therapy”
“It’s Not About Me”
“The Emotional Self Awareness (ESA) Exercise”

3. At the first session when the couple has been introduced to
    and used the Intimacy through Tension (I-to-I) format they each
    leave with the following handouts:

“The Intimacy through Tension Exercise”
“My Vision for My Relationship”

4. At the second or third therapy session the couple is presented
    with the Developmental I-to-I handout and leave the session with:

“The I-to-I Maturity Goals”
“How to Avoid Differentiation”

Articles & Interviews

“Self Intimacy”
“Couples Therapy for Grown-Ups”
“The Three Types of Infidelity”

Interview video: "Intimacy After Infidelity", April 18 & 19, 2007,
on Fox Ch. 6  –  click here for Part 1 and click here for Part 2

"It takes two to nurture couplehood", SD Union Tribune, 2/10/07
"Keeping the home fires burning", SD Union Tribune, 2/10/07
"I've only got (private) eyes for you", SD Union Tribune, 2/14/07

"Dirty laundry: Infidelity in gay relationships", GLT, 5/10/2007

Infidelity and Relationship Resource Books

"The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart"
By Constance Ahrons
If you determine that your relationship is unsalvageable, this is a fine resource for making the best of a very sad choice. It is an especially important book if you have children.

"Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage"
By Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson
Written by two psychologists who specialize in marriages and relationships, the book focuses on how we inadvertently or deliberately lie to our partners to avoid conflict. The authors bring their own marriage to the text as well as sample couples who illustrate the choices couples make that result in strengthening or weakening relationships and intimacy.

"Straight talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples"
By Donna R. Bellafiore
This small book is a powerhouse of information about the stages of emotional responses that couples go through with any significant betrayal. The author provides the reader with simple, clear and powerful information and a guide for how to work their way out of the haze that a betrayal brings to a relationship. The reader is empowered with steps to help them maintain stability and how to determine if the partners want to recover and rebuild the relationship.

"My Husband's Affair became the BEST thing that ever happened to me"
By Anne Bercht
This book is written for the reader who is in the throes of a partner's betrayal and needs encouragement to know she's not crazy nor alone in her agony AND that she will survive the pain and devastation. The author is frank and open about her own odyssey through the betrayal and provides the reader with exacting details about how the awfulness of the discovery later became the opening for a new and better relationship with her husband.

"Around the House and in the Garden: A Memoir of Heartbreak, Healing, and Home Improvement"
By Dominique Browning
A good book to read as you're recovering from an infidelity alone or when you're choosing a divorce. Browning provides hope that you will recover and rediscover yourself.

"Back from Betrayal: Saving a Marriage, A Family, A Life"
By Suzy Farbman; Afterword by Burton Farbman
This book is written by a woman who discovered her husband's infidelity after twenty-five years of marriage. She does an excellent job of communicating her devastation and sense of disorientation. The book includes the details of her recovery from the hurt and her personal work to heal in therapy. A wonderful addition to the book is the afterword by her husband, who writes honestly and frankly about his infidelities, his reasoning and his reckoning with his choices, and their effects on his wife, himself, and their marriage. This is an excellent book to read once you have gotten past the initial shock of the discovery.

"If the Buddha Married: Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path"
By Charlotte Kasl
This book offers practical and sound guidance to remind the reader of what contributes to a strong, loving, and growing partnership. It's a great primer on marriage.

"Letting Go of Anger: The 10 Most Common Anger Styles and What to Do About Them"
By Ron Potter-Efron and Pat Potter-Efron
Both authors are family therapists and offer a simple and elegant description of the ways most of us express anger immaturely. The book also provides a clear description of what mature and responsible anger looks and sounds like. This is an excellent book that we recommend to most of our clients.

"After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful"
by Janis Abrahms Spring
Janis Spring is a clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples overcome infidelities. Her book is a salve for those who are suffering from the discovery of betrayal and is equally as profound for the unfaithful partner. She does a fine job of describing what each partner is going through. She also presents the reader with checklists and practical ways to negotiate rebuilding trust.

"Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from Pain"
By Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris
This is a nuts-and-bolts approach to making the decision to stay or go. It offers a range of considerations and helps the reader with specific ways to deal with obsessive thoughts and many fears and feelings.

Useful Resource Links

The Couples Institute – www.thecouplesinstitute.com

A site we highly recommend. We have trained and worked with
Drs. Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson for almost a decade. They are talented therapists who have two books and many training tools for therapists as well as much knowledge to share with clients.